I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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