if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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