Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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