READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
