So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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