Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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