i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
