her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
