he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
