I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
