I could have mohawked her pubes.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
