Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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