Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
