Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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