Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
