don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
