I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I will pee on everything he values.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
