remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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