He uses pillows to masturbate.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
