we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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