Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
