Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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