just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
