The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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