I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
