i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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