so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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