So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
