Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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