Don't make out with my wife yet
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
