if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
