the day after is always just damage control
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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