I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
