Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
