Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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