No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
