I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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