look no pants
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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