My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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