if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
