so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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