Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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