the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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