Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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