so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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