Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
