xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
