I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
