I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
