but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
