I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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